New Phone, Who Dis/Transcript
Transcript for New Phone, Who Dis? Transcript :1: The Griffins (except Peter) watch TV in the living room :TV Announcer: We now return to Winona Ryder distracting from other speeches in history. :Lincoln gives The Gettysburg Address, while Winona Ryder makes random faces and stupid positions in the background :Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation- :enters the living room :Peter: Great news, everyone. The new smartphone from Crabapple is out. :Chris: The new Crabapple phone? Awesome! :Lois: So, maybe we can waste your money for college, so we can afford to buy you all broken down old phones, that nobody likes. :Chris: I'm s''???'' cost $800. :Peter: And I am ready to camp out in line. I wanna be the first to get the new phone. I don't care if it takes all day. :Lois: Don't you have work today? :Peter: Eh, I wouldn't mind missing work. There's a secretary looking for reassurance about her overly short haircut. :to a secretary with short hair in the elevator with her co-workers :Secretary: I saw it in a magazine ... I needed a fresh start ... STOP PRETENDING TO STARE AT YOUR PHONES AND JUST SAY YOU HATE IT! :Peter: Sir, I am trying to read. :Griffins get ready to go to the store :Chris: Mom, can you tie my shoes? :Lois: Just wear the Velcro ones. :Chris: I look like a bus person in the Velcro ones. :Lois: Okay, everybody. Last tinkles and poos. :Meg: Gross, mom! :Lois: I'M A MOTHER I have to say it. :Peter: Oh, boy. I can't wait for a new phone. Kids, time to gather up our old cords and chargers that no longer work and throw them in the garbage. :Brian: We can't do that. Don't you know a lot of discarded electronics end up in the ocean and kill sea turtles? :Peter: Well then, let's cut out the middle man. :to Peter strangling a sea turtle with phone chargers :Peter: GRRRR! I'm sorry, there's a new phone. :Griffins go shopping at the mall :grabs a gold phone at the same time as a Russian Woman :Russian Woman: Hey! Gold phone is mine! Already match finger nails. :and the Russian Woman get into a tug-of-war over the phone :Chris: Hey! I was here first! That's mine! :two fight :Russian Woman: Don't give me dirty ??? husband, or my dirty ??? son, or my dirty ???. :Woman wins the fight and runs away, leaving Chris in the ground, painfully hurt :Chris: She wanted it more than me. :Griffins (except Meg) are in the kitchen, all on their phones. Lois is making them breakfast. :Lois: Peter, I'm just not sure it's a great idea that everyone in the family got a new cell phone. :Stewie: Said the woman who f??? You never should have carried me into the ???. :Peter: ??? do for long. I mean, how long do you think it's gonna be before Meg drops hers and it cracks? :Brian: ??? :Stewie: ??? :enters :Meg: Good morning everybo- :drops her phone :Meg: Dammit! :Peter: She's just gonna keep it like that for the next three years. :sleeve gets too close to the stove and catches on fire :Lois: AH! OH GOD! AAAAAH! AAAAAAH! FIRE! PETER! AAAAAH! PETER! I'M ON FIRE! PETER, HELP ME! :puts out the fire with a glass of water; The whole time, nobody even looked up from their phones :Lois: Dammit! Those phones have turned you all into mindless drones! I knew this was would happen. Getting those things was a worse idea than when all those music stars did a skank robbery. :to Nicki Minaj, Izzy Azalea, and Madonna robbing a bank :Iggy Azalea: Everybody put your hands up! This is a robbery! :Nicki Minaj: Just put the money from Shia Lebouf into a bag and nobody gets hurt! :Banker: ??? butt pants? :fires warning shots rapidly :Banker: scared Okay, okay! Give Nicki their butt pants! :Nicki Minaj: ??? we're gonna give yall our latest single onto yall's ear holes. :trio sing horribly :Griffins are at Holy Christ Church and Father Bob is giving a sermon :Father Bob: Today's sermon is about perseverance. When I ran out of Boston by the spotlight team, I could have hung up my collar. :Lois: Oh my God, again? You guys have got to put those away! You can't be on your phones in here! :Peter: Relax, Lois. It's just stupid boring church. It's not like we're gonna miss anything. :Jesus statue comes to life and sneaks up behind Father Bob :Father Bob: But instead, I packed my bibles my Tootsie pops and I headed down to Quahog, with a renewed sense of spirit and a renewed reverence for, Jesus Jesus Christ!? :turns into a demon guy and attacks everyone; The Griffins (except Lois) don't even notice, because they're on their phones :leaves the building :Tom: What's going on in there, Ollie? :Ollie: HE CAME BACK! :Tom: How is he? :Ollie: MAD! :Tom: Thanks, Ollie. :continues to attack people in the church :Herbert: Let's get out of here, other altar boys! :Christ Church has been burned to the ground and Lois is mad at her family :Lois: Oooh that's it! Hand over the phones! :Peter: What!? But we just got these things. :Meg: Yeah, mom. That's not fair. :Chris: Meg's right. That's not fair! :Lois: I don't want to sit here and see my family turned into brain dead robots! In fact, you know what? We're finally going to the Old Sturbridge village. :Chris: What's that? :Lois: It's a place, where you can see what life used to be like before all these screens were made. A place where people farmed their own food, made their own clothing, and read books for entertainment. :Peter: Oh, come on, Lois. You only wanna go to Old Sturbridge Village, cuz you once got hand blasted there on a field trip. :Stewie: Yes, let's just say the candles weren't the only things being hot dipped. :Chris: ??? A Handmaid's Tale. :Meg: Yeah, please don't make us go there, mom. That place is so lame. :Lois: I'm sorry kids, but we're going to Old Sturbridge Village. :enters :Jesus: I'm really sorry for what I did. ??? Will you forgive me? :Chris: Are you kidding? You're Jesus. We have to forgive you. :Jesus: Oh, great. Great. Hey, while I got you guys here, will you ??? so I can figure out ??? of a bad situation? :Chris: And that is why you should never go to church. :of Act 1 :2: The Beer Bar Buddies watch TV in The Drunken Clam :TV Announcer: We now return to Alien vs. Predator vs. The People vs. O.J. Simpson. :the TV, a Xenomorph is trying and failing to fit a glove :Xenomorph: It does not fit ??? people ???. :Hish-Qu-Ten: Objection, your honor. :Judge: On what grounds? :Hish-Qu-Ten: On ??? where I was ambushed by highly-trained green berets. :Sarah Paulson: Your honor, the predator is making up a lie ???. :decapitates Sarah Paulson :Judge: I'm gunna ???. :back to scene :Joe: Peter, you've been quiet. :Peter: Yeah, Lois is making me go on a family trip to Old Strubridge Village. I just gotta figure out how to get out of it. :Cleveland: Whenever I wanna get out of something, I just use one of my previously earned "Cleveland points". I've been sitting here and Rallo's birthday gift is a used ???. :Quagmire: How about if you pretend to be sick? :Peter: You want me to lie? But isn't that a sin? :Cleveland: Peter, there is no church to return to. It was destroyed by Jesus in a ball of fire! :Joe: Yeah, why's there no follow up on that story? :Cleveland: Because this is a godless show. :Peter: Alright, I'll do it. I'll pretend to be sick to get out of going to Old Sturbridge Village. :home; Peter fakes sick and Lois believes it :Peter: his thermometer Hmm, still 126. :Lois: Oh, I wish you were feeling well enough to come. Maybe I should stay home and take care of you. :Peter: No, go Lois. Go watch dead-eyed pale women make bread. :Lois: Okay, well I hope you get better ??? and if you get bored ???. :family leaves and Peter is left behind :Peter: Peter, you're a genius. It's time to eat a meatball sub and watch football all day. Man, this is an even better scam than Ferris Bueller's Day On. Category:Transcripts